All the Words We Couldn't Say
by Seinaru Kibou no Tenshi
Summary: What do you say when you love someone but choose not to be with them? (Hikari, Takeru, Angst. It has more of a plot than that summary would suggest too!)
1. Loneliness

Angst! Similes! Scarily short chapters!

I've had the first three parts written for months, and kept meaning to post them. I'll be posting them over the next few days. Let's just say . . . posting on separate days = more reviews. I'm such a review whore. ^_^

All The Words We Couldn't Say Part One 

Beneath the harsh, fluorescent lights of the supermarket, the ring on Hikari's finger glittered as brightly as spite. If nothing else, she would be spared one, small humiliation. She picked a discreet, white box from the shelf for no other reason than it was discreet and white. Hesitating for a second, she added another one to her carrier bag, which already held her carton of milk and her loaf of bread. She remembered reading in a newspaper article that these tests were often inaccurate. To be certain, she had to take it twice. Her own calm amazed her. 

She walked to the checkout counter and placed her purchases on it. She made no effort to hide the pregnancy tests. She had nothing about which to be ashamed; her ring asserted her right to buy them. As she had expected, the girl behind the till glanced from the boxes to her hand, an almost imperceptible flicker of her dark eyes, and a little smile came to her face when she saw her wedding band. 

"Does your husband know?" 

"No," she replied. 

The words were the cold, absolute truth. Her husband did not know. She had walked out on him two weeks ago with all her possessions in two suitcases and all her certainties gone forever. 

The girl picked up on her lack of enthusiasm, if not the reason for it, "Don't worry. I'm sure he'll be happy when you tell him."

"Happy," she echoed, "Maybe." 

When she arrived back at the motel, she dropped her shopping bags on the counter and pulled her suitcase out from the closet. She removed her favourite pair of soft, faded pyjamas and changed into them, before fetching one of the pregnancy tests and seating herself comfortably on the bed. Opening the box, she saw it contained what looked to be a white, plastic stick, around which was wrapped a set of instructions. She glanced at the pamphlet quickly to see what she had to do. All she had to do was urinate on one end of the stick and wait for fifteen minutes for it to develop the results, based on the level of hormone in it. A blue line indicated a positive result; if it remained white, it was negative. Nothing could have been simpler, she thought dully, and nothing could have been harder. 

Uncertainly was easy. As long as she didn't know, she didn't have to make any choices about her future or face the confusing feelings that she rather would have ignored. 

If it were positive, she did not know what she was going to do. Adoption and abortion were options, but she knew she could never consider either one of them. There was equally no question of keeping it from her husband. It would be his baby as well and he had a right to know it. He had a right to be a part of its life, even if it were painful for her to have to see him when he came to visit it. Besides, she would not deny her baby the knowledge of its father. 

If it were negative . . . . She pushed the thought away from her. It would not matter, because she refused to let her having a baby patch up their marriage. She knew couples who had had children in order to save their marriages and who had only ended up unhappier than they were before. They passed every day of their lives hating each other, justifying years of misery and resentment by saying it was for the sake of their children. She would not give up what little love still remained between her and Takeru for that sort of togetherness. And yet it would have been nice to have an excuse to call him, to ask him to try again. 

*

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Fear

ALL THE WORDS WE COULDN'T SAY

PART TWO

The stick was blue. 

Hikari sat on her bed, her cellular phone in her hands. _The tests are inaccurate_, the small, cool voice in her head reminded her. _If the second one is negative, then you are not pregnant and you have no good reason to telephone him. You have plenty of bad reasons. Like you are lonely. Like you want to hear his voice. Like you want him to ask you to come back to him. _

Her fingers trembling, she scrolled down the list of names on her screen to the one that read simply "Home". She pressed the button to dial it, and held the phone to her ear. It rang for what seemed like an eternity, and she wasn't sure why she didn't click the button to end the call. It would have been the sensible thing to do, and she had resolved to be sensible about their separation. At last, however, she heard a click on the other side of the line. 

"_Moshi moshi. _Takaishi here," he sounded sleepy. He must have just woken up, reached across for phone next to his bed. She had lost track of time, while she had been sitting and staring at the pregnancy test in her hands. She glanced across at the neon clock in the corner of the room and swallowed. According to the green numbers, it was 12:09. Her husband was the only person she knew who could be infallibly polite even after midnight. 

"Hello?" he asked, "Who is this?"

Her tongue felt thick and heavy in her mouth, "I . . . I . . . ."  

She could imagine him sitting upright in bed, pressing the phone more closely to his ear, hope and fear in his blue eyes.

"Hikari-chan? Is that you? Is something wrong? Is - " 

"Sorry. Wrong number. Bye."

Her hands shaking, she hit the button to disconnect the call and put her cell-phone onto her nightstand. Moments later, it rang. She did not need to look at the screen to see it was her husband. She just had to stretch out her hand to take it and press a single button, and everything could be the way it had been. She knew Takeru still loved her or believed that he did. She had been the one who had wanted the divorce, just as it had been the raw pain in his eyes that had made her soften that to a trial separation. She just had to say the word, and he would take her back. 

She lay on her bed and stared up at the ceiling until the phone stopped ringing. 


	3. Desire

I have a feeling this part is going to be controversial. Oh well. Let it not to be said that I am a coward. ^_^  
  
ALL THE WORDS WE COULDN'T SAY PART 3  
  
Hikari half-expected the knock on the door when it came. For a moment, she contemplated staying where she was, letting him knock until he grew tired and left. In the morning, she could change motels, give instructions to the new clerk not to let anyone know that she was staying there.  
  
Instead, she climbed off the bed and slipped a light robe over her pyjamas, before going to open it for him. She could tell that he had gotten dressed in a hurry. His t-shirt was on back to front, and he was wearing the old pair of tracksuit pants in which he slept. His hair had not been brushed and stood up around his head in defiant spikes. As she had imagined, his eyes were hopeful and fearful at the same time.  
  
"Everything's fine. You didn't need to come," she told him, hugging herself, "How did you find my motel, anyway?"  
  
"Phoned around to every one in Odaiba," he rubbed the back of his neck, looking slightly sheepish, "Hika, you phoned me after midnight. Everything can't be fine."  
  
She took a deep breath. There was no point stalling. Takeru would not leave until he had some answers, and she guessed that he had a right to them, "My period was late, so I took a pregnancy test tonight. It was positive."  
  
His eyes widened, "You're kidding. We're having a baby?"  
  
"We might be," she corrected him hastily, "You know how unreliable those tests can be. They always recommend you do two."  
  
"I can get one for you now," he replied. She could see the excitement on his face, but she was not sure whether it was for the baby or for what it would mean to their relationship. After a childhood spent between two homes, Takeru couldn't be naive enough to believe that children were enough reason to reconcile, "I saw a twenty-four-hour pharmacy just around the corner from here."  
  
"I have one. I've even taken it," she told him, feeling slightly ridiculous, "I just . . . just can't look at the results, you know."  
  
He nodded, "Want to look at it together? Would that help?"  
  
"O-okay," she said slowly, "It's on the counter in the bathroom."  
  
Closing and locking the door behind himself, he followed her through into her motel-room. Like all motel-rooms everywhere, it was small and dingy. The walls had been freshly painted white, but that did little to disguise the cracks and pockmarks in them. The carpet was worn and all the furniture was slightly battered from years of previous occupants. Sunlight had faded the curtains to a non-descript shade of grey. She saw him grimace.  
  
"Hika, I'll give you money for a better -"  
  
"I won't take it," she interrupted him, "This is just temporary until I find a home of my own. I don't want to spend too much."  
  
"You have a home," he said quietly, "If you ever want to come back to it."  
  
She looked at the floor. She could not stand to see the misery on his face, knowing that she was the only one who could take it away, "We should go check that test."  
  
"Fine," he sighed, "Come on."  
  
Before they went into the bathroom, he held out his hand for her to take - an oddly child-like gesture. She hesitated for a second, then slipped her hand into his larger one and felt his fingers tighten around it. She had forgotten the warmth of his skin; his clean smell.  
  
Taking another deep breath to steady herself, she pushed the door to the bathroom open. She could see the plastic stick lying on the counter, but she could not see whether the tester strip on it was white or blue. She buried her face in his shoulder, not caring that the gesture was too intimate for the strangers they were supposed to become. He clumsily kissed the top of her head.  
  
"I can't look."  
  
"It's white," he said softly, "You're not pregnant. You probably just missed your period because of stress. It happens, you know."  
  
To her horror, tears welled up in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She tried to blink them back, to tell herself to be sensible, but she couldn't stop crying. He wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her back and whispering words of comfort. She could hear his heart beating, its regular rhythm carrying her away from herself and the emptiness inside. How many nights had she spent in his arms, warm and lazy from their lovemaking? When had she stopped believing that her love and desire for him were enough to call herself happy?  
  
She could not help what happened next. Seemingly of their own accord, her lips found his and her hands slipped beneath his t-shirt. His skin was very soft and warm, and she could feel his muscles tense beneath her touch. He was kissing her back by then, his fingers fumbling at the buttons of her pyjama top. It slipped down over her shoulders and she let it fall to the floor, before helping him out of his own clothes. In just his white boxers, his body was as beautiful as she remembered it. Impatiently, she pulled him across to the bed and onto it.  
  
"Hika, should we be doing this? I didn't bring . . . ."  
  
She kissed him to keep him quiet. She did not want to think or speak. For the moment, it was enough simply to touch. 


End file.
